Alicia Marie
RealTalk Podcast: Episode 17
Guest: Alicia Marie
Personal growth and development is critical to effective leadership. There is a huge misconception…Leaders are NOT born, they are trained, coached and developed to become great leaders.
Leadership is relational, not transactional, and has nothing to do with big personalities, charm or being persuasive. Those attributes are useful in interpersonal relationships, in sales but have nothing to do with what determines a great leader. Maureen’s guest is Alicia Marie, an expert in the field of leadership development. She has expertise and education and psycholinguistics, humanities, marketing leadership and management.
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Alicia Marie is a national leader in the field of leadership development. She founded People Biz, Inc. in 2000 with the intention of providing TOTAL personal and professional development solutions for individuals, teams and organizations. She specializes in creating customized Leadership and Management programs based on desired outcomes. She has been a professional trainer for more than twenty years AND a professional coach with more than 20,000 paid coaching hours over the last 21 years. She possesses a UNIQUE education in Psycho- Linguistics, Humanities, Business, and Marketing.
Key Takeaways:
In this episode, you’re going to gain valuable insights and learn about:
Emotional intelligence and its correlation to leadership.
Transactional management vs developmental leadership.
The power in developing language around emotion and how we live life from experience to experience.
Executive Function and engagement.
Stages of creation.
The power of words (neurolinguistics).
Energy for engagement and courageous action.
Resilience and how it is a function of ego!! (ego drive and ego resilience…this was fascinating!)
Imposter Syndrome and perfectionism.
Best advice Alicia Marie ever received: Be yourself. Always.
REALTALK: The best leaders are the ones who work on themselves all the time - they are the people who invest in learning, growing, and self-discovery.
Resources:
Find out more:
Guest:
Alicia Marie
Company:
People Biz, Inc.
Social:
@peoplebizinc - Facebook
@aliciamariepeoplebiz - Instagram
@PeopleBiz - Twitter
Alicia Marie - People Biz, Inc. - Youtube
People Biz, Inc - LinkedIn
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SEE TRANSCRIPTION BELOW
Maureen Borzacchiello (00:00):
Alicia Marie is a national leader in the field of leadership development. She founded people biz Inc in 2000 with the intention of providing total personal and professional development solutions for individuals, teams, and organizations, she specializes in creating customized leadership and management programs based on desired outcomes. She has been a professional trainer for more than 20 years and a professional coach with more than 20,000 paid coaching hours. Over the last 21 years, she possesses a unique education in psycho linguistics, humanities business, and marketing. Alicia is a mother of three adult children and a grandmother of two. She is a yoga enthusiast and runner and the newlyweds, her sweet and adoring soulmate. Having spent most of her life in Texas. She currently resides in the Austin Metro area and works with clients globally. I am not only blessed to have worked with Alicia Marie in a variety of capacities over the last 15 years, but most importantly to call her dear friend. So welcome. Alicia Marie this will be epic for sure there is no doubt. Welcome. Welcome.
Alicia Marie (01:21):
Thank you. I'm so present to how much I love you when you were talking
Maureen Borzacchiello (01:27):
Ditto. I got a little verklempt when I wrote that intro. Well, Alicia, why don't you give people just a little bit of your background so that we can level set up conversation.
Alicia Marie (01:40):
A little bit in my background? Well, I've always been interested in personal growth and development before I knew that's what it was called well in my early teens. And even when I was nine years old, they were calling me a philosopher. And so I've always been really interested in why I'm here. What makes me tick what's really possible for me to create or have, and I was a big reader as a child. I really have been a big reader. Most of my life, not as much as I did even 10 years ago. I think that that was really the linchpin for my imagination. And you know, almost like magical thinking, like what can I create or what can you know? And that really led me into training and coaching for myself. And eventually I started doing it for others. Well, before, I started my company.
Alicia Marie (02:30):
Sometimes people talk about like, they don't understand what do you mean you do leadership development. And I think that that's really sad. Okay. There's still that old idea that leaders are born and that it's not something you have to train and coach for and develop yourself around. There are at least 70 leadership competencies that I could knit and we have to train for that. We have to develop that and we have to create awareness around that and we have to make mistakes around that and we have to practice that. And I think that part of it is that people think that it has something to do with personality. And it has nothing to do with personality. Leadership is relational, not transactional. And as long as people think it's about them and their big personality or being charming enough or being persuasive enough or like that's all just control ground. They don't know what I'm talking about. When I say they should develop. Interesting.
Maureen Borzacchiello (03:24):
Tell us more, because really a lot of what I've learned from you is like the basis of a lot of this is emotional intelligence. So why don't you talk to us a little bit about that because you have such expertise in that space as well.
Alicia Marie (03:38):
Okay. So you wanted me to make the connection between leadership and emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence is the willingness to have the emotion, experience the emotion, and yet still act from what you're committed to, who you want to be, what your goals are, it's being able to feel the anger at your husband and still be loving. And most of us don't give ourselves that much space. There really is a difference between a manager and a leader. And I know sometimes we have to fill both positions, but I'm not really talking about positions, talking about manager, controlling everything, really focused on transaction and do me and leaders give that up and step back and recognize that their attention needs to be on the people, developing, growing them and leveraging them to get the results that they want. Instead of controlling. When we don't give ourselves the specs, we inadvertently start to relate to ourselves as an object and others as an object.
Alicia Marie (04:36):
In other words, we objectify people. I pushing them around the chess board. So if you think about the way most people relate to emotion, they either disassociate or they suppress intense around emotion, right? So if you're disassociating from emotion, you're not even feeling it. If you're not feeling it and emotion is low I'm talking about is it's just information that the body is giving you. If you're not feeling it, how do you think you're doing with others? What about all that information that's happening with others emotionally that you could receive? If you were connected to your own emotional guidance, if you're suppressing and you can't be with something and you tense around you, can't be with anger. You can't be with dissent. You can't be with frustration. You can't be with overwhelm. You can't be with fear, all that uncomfortable stuff. If you can't be with it here and you are tensing around it, I promise you're almost blind and deaf to what's happening when someone is experiencing that. And you're missing a whole lot. That's going on in your business.
Maureen Borzacchiello (05:41):
As I listened to you say that, of course my mind is thinking in the context of our personal life outside of business and work, but then I'm thinking in the sense of the business world, right? And I would guess that a lot of people think or some have along the way, we're taught to believe that we can't be emotional. We can't have emotional intelligence or feelings, unless it's just good old gut instinct in the business place. I feel like it's such a misnomer. And I'll also say like, I've taken your courses leading change as well as leading change mastery over the years. And I always tell the story. When I talk about the program to people, how I thought, oh, I'm going to take this leadership course. And it's going to help me be a better leader, which is true. But what I thought was it was just going to be another curriculum, like driven team chat me as opposed to the Pandora's box of emotions and ideas that you present. So I'd love for you to talk a little bit about that. A how we compartmentalize in the scope of real life. And I'm using air quotes for those of you listening versus professional life, but also how it all plays together. It feels like there's five questions there. That's probably our
Alicia Marie (07:10):
Compartmentalization was a really bad idea. Kind of like local tech multitasking life is holographic. And if it's exists here, it's over there. Somehow it just is. And if you can have a breakthrough in this area of your life, you'd probably have a breakthrough in that area of your life. And it's interesting that we like to try to separate. Um, so let me go back to what got us there. Oh yeah. So what a lot of people hear when they hear emotional intelligence, developing emotional intelligence, they think they're going to become more stoic. They think that they're going to be like Mr. Spock, does that still relate? I know so many people don't know star Trek, gen Z.
Alicia Marie (07:50):
And, um, we are emotional beings that think sometimes that emotion is at the center of our experience. It is our experience and we're always experiencing something. We're experiencing something now and now, and now, and now what people are often describing the describing emotional is what happens when you suppress it's like shaken up a bottle, it's gonna come out sometime, right? So it turns into tears or blow up in some way. And then they call that emotional. Well, that was actually just someone suppressing for a really long time. And also over emoting is the same as expressing it's your inability to be with the experience. And so you're trying to get it out, which was a big misinterpretation of Ford, by the way. So if we are, if you can accept that we are all emotional, there is no such thing. As someone as being emotional, someone is having an experience that we're judging. And when we judge that, I promise you, you can point the feedback on yourself because one of the biggest inhibitors to developing yourself emotionally is that you judge that emotion bad and it inhibits our joy and our peace and our satisfaction and the ability to love and ability to relate to other people, right? Because you can't feel the uncomfortable stuff. You start to nest inside yourself and you can't feel the good stuff either. Right?
Maureen Borzacchiello (09:17):
You get to a point of apathy where you're just numb.
Alicia Marie (09:21):
Yeah. And a lot of area, interesting
Maureen Borzacchiello (09:25):
People are saying, what is this leading change? Let's take a minute to step back and talk about the programs because you have leading change. And then once you graduate from leading change, you're eligible to participate in leading change mastery. So why don't you talk to us about those?
Alicia Marie (09:41):
Okay. So you've really been hearing about leading change already. You know, people apply, you have to apply. I'm really looking to see, is this a tire kicker? Is this someone who's going to do? The work? Is that some big application for that reason, I'm coaching clients get the course for free, but they still have to do the application. And this is a course that a lot of employers sponsor their employees in. And so I want to make sure that they're really in, and they're not doing it because their employer wants them to there's even a little box. They check saying, they're not doing it because their employer wants them to. So they're not being forced to do it, right? So it's based in the tenants of emotional intelligence, but I don't talk about it as much as you would think I do, because what I want to do is develop them emotional, right?
Alicia Marie (10:24):
So to develop someone emotionally first, they have to start to understand how human beings work and how we operate. And so I start to build the foundational pieces for that integrity, which is like, think about your whole complete and sound in their various to your expression of that. Or there are things you're doing that are not aligned with that. But if you start off with the whole idea that you are integrous, not moral thing, but that you are, then there are just times when you're out of alignment. And I have people start to look at that because that's where power that's where you experience real power, right. Is when you can relate to yourself as sound and whole and complete. I distinguish what it feels like to be in a powerful place. And I distinguish what it feels like to feel powerless, which we've all been in both places.
Alicia Marie (11:14):
And then I'm normalized both because it is all part of the human experience. And then we start to talk about when we're in one place or the other throughout the entire course, and I break it down. But if you think about also what's necessary, as people need to start to have some language around emotion. And most of us have a very small vocabulary. We say things like stress, which is absolutely non-descriptive and does not say anything. It could be unwell, frustration, anger, fear. I mean, there's all kinds of things that, that could really be happening there. So when we develop the language for emotion, and by the way, the language of emotional intelligence, I'm doing a workshop on September 17th, but you have to done leading change to do it. Okay. Yeah. I wrote it down. So I wanted to make sure I mentioned that because most of us don't have in the more you have to understand the dimensions of emotion, for example, sadness, disappointment, grief, resentment, all kind of live in the same space, but understanding the nuances around that and being able to identify that for yourself is a game changer.
Alicia Marie (12:21):
The other thing that's happening, if you think about we disassociate, we suppress and we tell big stories about everything. We'll say that person did this to me. Instead of saying, I'm feeling betrayed. We say, right. So we talk about the circumstance or situation instead of really exploring what we're experiencing and they'll live as if that story is true. And so I go do exercises with people to distinguish that. And the other thing that happens in the course is people really recognize this. Isn't an intellectual thing. I would have to train for this. I'm going to have to train my body to relax. When I test, I'm going to have to train myself to breathe when I'm experiencing uncomfortable stuff and on the mindset, I'm going to have to learn how to recognize it's thinking and be curious and flexible and develop the muscle of the inquiry. And when you have those two things, you can shift pretty quickly from fear to courage or from apathy to, to willingness, right? So emotional agility starts to happen. Now, I haven't talked about the brain at all around this, but there's a lot that goes. And then I, what I do is I flip this. So I have you worked on themselves for 10 sessions. And I said, okay, we're done with that. Now I'm going to go work on what's happening in your world for prep session course, 15 sessions, three sessions a month for five months, total investment about 25 hours.
Maureen Borzacchiello (14:08):
And I'll tell you, you gave a great overview of it because I think when I think of leading change, you absolutely helped me become more curious. You helped me look at what are the real feelings of in regard to a situation? Is it good or bad, or could I just be neutral about it? You know, can I explore? And I think it's so fascinating because I think a lot of people have the notion that it has to be good or something has to be bad. And then it can't be both or it could be neither. And I think that it helps you explore that and understanding how we amplify things. And like you said, make these huge stories about something that isn't really true. And then how that ripple effects in our personal life, in our business life
Alicia Marie (15:01):
Leading change about this was just probably from when you did it. There's a lot of things in the news since you did it, but that anytime you catch yourself in judgment in anything, and I know your mind is always, but anytime you catch yourself in an attached way, judging something, you taking yourself out of the game of life. You're no longer participating. It's a way to not be engaged in way is it's a way to not be engaged in what's happening right now. We step back. We judge, right? There are a lot of certain situations where that has to be a good thing, but if you're stuck there, you've taken yourself out of the game, you're no longer even participating. He's a jerk. Now you're out. That's what it is. Now. I no longer have to engage. This is a bust or that situation will never work. Like when you get into that type of fixed thinking, you're no longer in participation.
Maureen Borzacchiello (15:55):
Hmm. So people go through the course, tell our listeners more about what happens as they start to get to the other side of this awareness and this emotional agility and how it really impacts them as a leader.
Alicia Marie (16:10):
Well, executive function is a big word right now. It has been for the last few years. And what scientists are talking about is they're talking about brain activity. And when we're in fear, we're hanging out back here on more critical thinking, rubber here a lot. This is all simplified. And we're more frontal lobe and prefrontal cortex. When we are engaged, this is where emotional agility happens when we're participating, when we're experiencing those beautiful hormones, like oxytocin and serotonin opens up vision and strategy and the ability to relate to others and empathy and compassion. So think about whole front part of the brain is that how, think about how important that is for leadership, right? Then you can be strategic that you can envision that you can be curious that you can be emotionally agile and classical and being with whatever's happening in the room. And what happens when we hang out and fear and control.
Maureen Borzacchiello (17:06):
And that's in the back for those that are listening,
Alicia Marie (17:10):
Okay. People who run on and travel. And of course, or in other words, we're not stressed about the big drivers, you know, and they don't know how to get to the front, right? They're wearing their bodies down. So a couple of things that happen, people report more energy. And here's why self-conscious monitoring goes down. Self-conscious monitoring is where you are behaving or saying something to get an effect. So the more we become internally directed, focused on our goals, commitments, experiences, and less in reaction to happening out there. We actually start to have energy for things. And when you open up this part of the brain, also, it's very energizing and strengthening to the body because you're experiencing satisfaction and peace and love and willingness and all the really healthy strengthening emotional states. And when we're in fear, we're really tearing the body down. And so people report a lot more energy because they've learned to remove things that they're tolerating in their life.
Alicia Marie (18:18):
They've learned to be at home in their own skin and feel what they're feeling they've stopped. Some of the self-conscious monitoring now might not sound like much to have more energy, but think about it. It's, we're talking about energy for engagement, energy for actually taking courageous actions that are going to get results and energy for having the hard conversations, right? You started to get at heart. So I'm talking about energy, but it's the driving force and motivation. Motivational energy comes from being where you are at having a vision or acknowledging that there's a gap is where I am aware. I want to be. That's where motivational energy happens. And when we're in fear, we're in the past or in the future. But when you are in high emotional states, you have big vision. Doesn't matter if you ever get there, but you can use that to become motivated and create things. So life is no longer about avoiding all of that from happening. Why is it not? What can I create today? Right. Create that with. And that's where energy makes the difference. Um,
Maureen Borzacchiello (19:29):
I would also then assume that energy radiates to your team, to your family, because you are in this positive state of energy, you're in this forward motion, you're in this uplifting vibe, if you will, whereas you're not in fight or flight or stress and anxiety and
Alicia Marie (19:52):
All that, right. You just, they're not driving. Yeah. So unless it was very, very fast. There was one thing I didn't say about that. So when we are in fear, stress, we like to call it stress. One more. There we have tunnel vision. There's a whole lot. We can't see literally causes tunnel vision. You think about the need for that. That's why people get addicted to it. You know? Cause it causes focus the night before I have to prepare. So when that goes away, people learn how to be in the world in a new way. In other words, it becomes fertile ground for developing leadership competencies, which is the point of this. We want to get people ready to develop. You can't learn how to communicate masterfully. If you're not practicing greatest communication all the time, you're not gonna practice courageous communication all the time.
Alicia Marie (20:42):
If you're back here, if you're handling here, right? So what it does, is it it okay for you to explore and learn? And so learning, accelerate, emotional intelligence is developed through how many experiences you process for example, in a year. So all of us are developing emotionally, but some of us only processing three to five peak experiences a year, once you've done leading change, you probably accelerating that to 20 to 25 a year. Wow. And when I wrote it, I was working off of that information, understanding that you can't do a weekend workshop and get to develop emotionally. It has to happen over a period of time.
Maureen Borzacchiello (21:23):
Right. And you have to actually practice what you're learning implemented. And I think that was the other thing I can remember vividly coming back to you and saying, all right, I'm doing the breathing. And when I sit and try to sit quietly, the monkey in my head just won't stop talking. And you were like, it's okay. Just keep taking breaths and acknowledge the monkey. And they ask the monkey to be quiet. And it was just practicing, practicing, even just being still. And I don't know if that was leading change or lead. Okay. Sorry. I'm screwing it super helpful. Because again, I think, um, if we don't try what we're learning and we don't start to observe it and get curious around it, we really can't make those changes because otherwise it's just taking in more information. But if you don't start to practice it, it's like a lot of other things. It just goes to the
Alicia Marie (22:27):
Side. I'm going to say, I want to go back and wrap that up with executive function, which is the ability to be self-aware and change your behavior easily. And the formula for that is self-awareness plus space. I mean, people come to be really self aware when I'm on coaching with them, but on there's no space for them to change their behavior. Like not, they're just doing the same thing they've always done, which becomes the infrastructure for not learning and the same results. Right? And so it's the space piece and people when they're so busy using all of her energy to suppress or disassociate and they stop and they have the space. Now there's actually an opportunity through these moments of points where you can do or be something different. And that's where the,
Maureen Borzacchiello (23:20):
So in your current experience this past year with the pandemic, do you find that that has opened people up more to giving themselves space?
Alicia Marie (23:31):
You should see it, the Corvette. Okay. I had a leading change going where everything hit March and the second one starting in April, it was like night and day difference. It was like, you know how you ignore the flight attendant when you get out? Like, yeah, it was the exit. Yeah, yeah. Right, exactly. Right after drinks. But at that planes going down and that was happening to me once I was in a thunderstorm, the plane dropped the, flight attendant, got up and started instructing us how to put our oxygen masks on. Like, we, we had wrapped attention. Like we were just like, oh yes. Yeah. And, and that's what it was likely.
Alicia Marie (24:18):
I need this. I'm not going to miss a thing. I'm going to do all the exercises. I'm going to share. I'm going to tell all my friends about it. Like it was like, oh, like who are these people that have rooms just like this? You know, like I think that might've lasted six to nine months, but people became kinda numb to everything that was occurring. They went back to the same old and not really recognizing everything that we have at stake. The thing is we always have something at stake. That's what they were present to. But we forget, we have something at stake. We can, we can just keep sleepwalking through that particular thing. And there will be no impact, but there was always something at stake for who you're being and what you're doing in other words, right. If you don't shift without a doubt, a hundred percent.
Maureen Borzacchiello (25:13):
Hmm. Interesting. Okay. So people do leading change and then if they're ready for the next step, they can do leading change mastery. How is that different? What is that delivering to your students and how do you see it translate and impact their lives? I mean, I know that's a little, yeah.
Alicia Marie (25:31):
People come into leading change, not really understanding that leadership is relational, not transactional. So by the end of leading change, they get that right. And they also get it's mind, body training, and they're going to have to do some work. And most people don't have the structure to do that. They're not a one off coaching. So leading change mastery for one thing is the structure for that, that I'm able to go a lot deeper with the principals. So I work on stages of creation like inside of language, most of us are very sloppy with what we say and really how important language is to the creative process. People look really deeply at their relationships. People get to the heart of their original story that they tell them about themselves, which is a lie. I call it the original lie, really? Because like we talk about telling stories. When you can get to the original one, then it becomes pretty easy to see the mature spin off of that. Oh, that's about 55 year old version of, I don't belong.
Alicia Marie (26:35):
People don't want to do that work. Like only one out of five people who do leading change will do the change mastery because it's, you know, it is, it really is learning to feel what you're feeling and learning to have inquiry around things that you never really questioned and really taking on your relationships. All of them, it could be employees in a whole new way. I mean, people end up talking to their father that they haven't talked to in 20 years, people end up building teams that they never could get off the ground before. So big breakthroughs around relationship, but more importantly, you really get, so it's introduced in leading change that you're holding complete and sound and there's something very, so that expression. So you really get that. The game is not about fixing yourself and there has been, there's nothing wrong with you. And when you really get that, it changes things. Yeah. Imagine being able to give yourself that much space and grace,
Maureen Borzacchiello (27:35):
You know, to know that, you know, I remember that assignment about the original lie, this story. And I remember sitting down and you were like, think back it's between the ages typically of three to five and I'm going back and I'm like, there's nothing more, there's nothing more. And you saying, you're going to think there's nothing more, but keep sending there quietly and just whatever comes to mind, keep doodling out. And I remember all the sudden, bam, having this experience playing out in my head, I'm four years old, I write it all out. I'm like, am I losing my mind? Am I that shit crazy? Or did this really happen? Because up to this moment in time, I don't remember this. I'm like, let me call my mom. Because she was in this situation and I call her up. I'm like, did this happen? And what did she do? She starts hysterical, laughing, which was not a good thing because it was like this dramatic moment when I ran away from home and took my dolls and went to the old lady, nextdoor out.
Maureen Borzacchiello (28:56):
And so my mom's like, yeah, you had a little yellow doll case. And you know, we were laughing about something and you thought we were laughing about you and you got all indignant and you stormed off. And the funny thing was, as soon as she started laughing, I'm like, oh, this was real. I was like, cause this is pinging me right now. Like I felt so sad that that little girl felt unworthy and unloved and told herself this story and then spent 30 or 40 years. I mean, I probably was in my forties before I realized it. But then once you realize that you can see every single thing or episode or situation that happened, how it went back and hit replay on that story and that you could let it go.
Alicia Marie (29:45):
It's like we put on a pair of colored sunglasses and we forget he had
Maureen Borzacchiello (29:53):
Right. And meanwhile, my mom was like, we had no idea why you were upset her best friend. We used to call aunt Mary and lived across the street. So they were probably laughing about something totally different, but I took it as about me and think about it. And I'm like, okay, well I had a two year old little brother and I had a newborn eight month old little brother. So I probably was just feeling neglected, just funny, the original lie and how that story, that you're unaware of perpetuates and bubbles up every once in a while in your life and how it just sits there in the background until you realize it's not true and can let it go. So I think that was really, as you said, that I'm like, oh my God, I remember that
Alicia Marie (30:42):
If you never really let it go, but the awareness makes the difference. Like if I know I don't belong that that's my lie. Then I can be really mindful about collaborating, building team partnerships, staying in touch with people, but still, I mean, the irony of it is I'm still the one in front of the classroom, not in the past. I find myself like almost like standing alone. And I'm like, this is not an accident that eight years I just sent a single, I was like, this is not a freakin accident, you know, over and over again, me too. It's like, we want to keep having the experience over and over again until we can see it differently. It's the same reason we watch movies and stories because we want to kind of like imagine ourselves in that situation and what would we do it's really very healthy to do. And that's what we're doing in our life.
Maureen Borzacchiello (31:39):
Fascinating. And it really, it is interesting because when things come up or, you know, I have situations, I do try to always load it and say, oh wait, is this the story? Like, is what's, what's the trigger here? You know? And how do you navigate through it? So I think the beauty of the programs that you create, at least for me, is it not only has given me awareness as a person, it's given me awareness in my relationships with my husband and with my son. Like I remember taking leading change and I'm like, did I just this kid up for life? Like, what did I do? Am I doing all the right things? Like, how can I be?
Alicia Marie (32:22):
I'm like, you cannot prevent the original lie. It's the formation of ego.
Maureen Borzacchiello (32:31):
And then also you see how it impacts you as a leader in business as you're working with teams. So it really is so amazing. We'll put all the links on our resource page, you know, all, all the show notes and everything. But if somebody is listening to this and they're trying multitask and jot it down, where, where would they go to learn more about leading change? I'm assuming.
Alicia Marie (32:57):
Yeah, absolutely. I will say PeopleBizInc. So peoplebiz,Inc.com and you'll see leadership programs and you can just scroll down and look, um,
Maureen Borzacchiello (33:08):
And then isn't there a wait list for them to sign up or
Alicia Marie (33:13):
Two spots for the end of July program. It's usually falls anywhere from six weeks to three months in advance. So don't wait. Like if, you know, you want to do the October one, make sure you sign up in August, they stay full. I can only lead so many because I have a full client load as a coach. And so there's four and five leading changes a year and that's it. And they do feel
Maureen Borzacchiello (33:37):
All right, perfect. You heard it. Everybody go to people biz Inc.com and you can get lots of information about leading change and Alicia Marie and her one-on-one coaching. Although I believe there is a wait list for that. Um, but my schedule, yeah, there you go. So why don't we talk about resilience and resilience, I think is such a key ingredient that entrepreneurs in particular need. I'd love to get your take on resilience and I don't know, maybe, maybe it would be helpful for you to share a challenge that you overcame. You know, one of those, the ground, the floor moments that you had to pick yourself up so that for the entrepreneurs listening, uh, it gives them a little inspiration while we were talking about kind of grit and resilience.
Alicia Marie (34:27):
Okay. Resilience, resilience is actually a function of the ego. I disagree with how people talk about the ego. So we, if you want to split it off there's ego drive and ego resilience. So when someone is resilient, let's think salesperson, they might have high ego drive and they're like commits. They can do it. Usually overinflated what they think they can do. That's okay. That's a good salesperson. Right. But then they don't have ego resilience when someone tells them no, there's a flight. Right. So resilience is about being able to not see the outcome you wanted and still he creating any way does not look like you wanted it. I'm pretty sure I should have this 10 pounds on me or I'm pretty sure I should have more money in the bank or I'm pretty sure, like I've worked so hard and it should be this way or that way. And can you look at the way it is except that, and still keep creating.
Alicia Marie (35:32):
And it's different than just head down working hard because a lot of times that's very unconscious resilience is it's like having faith in life and having faith in yourself to pick it up and move on, right? Like where is your faith? We all have faith somewhere. We put our faith in money. We put our faith in our reputation. We put our faith in so many things, you know, but where is your faith in regards to yourself in your life? That's the underpinning of resilience? I don't know if I've ever talked about that before, so thank you.
Maureen Borzacchiello (36:11):
You're welcome. I mean, you know, so when somebody is in that hit the floor moment, you know, what are a couple of steps that you can suggest, you know, uh, or even an example.
Alicia Marie (36:27):
As an entrepreneur, like I've been an entrepreneur now for 31 years, 31. I mean, I was doing it before you were 10, when you started it. I got a filter on my zoom. So, so, um, it is normal to want to quit. It is normal to reconsider. It is normal to feel like giving up. It is normal to not get it right. It is normal to make mistakes. We tend to think that the game of life and we learn this through school is to not make mistakes. That's not the game. The game is to making mistakes as possible, as fast as possible and learn from them. And we're relating to a mistake as if it's wrong. We don't learn. We just repeat. Yeah. And so in terms of my business, the recession 2009 was a hit the floor moment for me. I mean, it was, and it was the birth of leading change.
Alicia Marie (37:30):
I want everyone to remember that because it was within a week. Most of my clients can pay. Half of them were gone. My husband was unemployed and I had other personal things happening. And I remember crying and laying my head on the desk and just thinking I have all these stupid degrees. And I don't even know if I'm employable. Actually I was pretty sure I was employable maybe I should get a job nobody's hiring what am I gonna do. It felt like it was over. It did felt like it was over, but it was that agony that I was in. And there were other things going, not my mother. I was having to get a lawyer and police and a social worker involved to get her out of her home. She had Alzheimer's, I didn't know what I was going to do with her. I was fighting my family. I was living upstairs because I was pissed off at my husband.
Alicia Marie (38:24):
It was not good time for me, but I was so emotionally rotten, then I'm going to work. And they were all on emotional mess. Right. And I realized that if I was going to truly support the people I had left, I was going to have to get through it faster. And that's when I really went to work on experiencing what I was experiencing, unlike anything I'd ever done before. But the thing I can tell you about hitting the floor in your business is it is your opportunity to reassess and recreate. And it's totally fine that you feel like you failed or that it's not working. The thing I do with my clients. And it's like, it's weekly. Okay. About 48 coaching clients. It is weekly. Someone's ready to quit. I got a 10 o'clock voicemail, Friday on a Friday and could hear what was going on, everything. Okay. And I said, oh yeah, it's the same thing hits it. Right. And by the next day, we were both who have talked to her and when she was laughing and it's, moraled have these moments and you stop judging it as wrong, you can use it to get better.
Maureen Borzacchiello (39:39):
You said before, give yourself the space to then create and move forward with new vision, you know?
Alicia Marie (39:46):
Yeah. And of course that happened one more time to me, like you are aware of my grandson's death, but afterwards, you know, my business shrank. And it was mostly because I wasn't available for it, but I needed that time. And I remember thinking I was going to lose my business that couple of years. Cause it was, I went from being, you know, over a million dollars to a lot smaller business. But in terms of, I really needed that. I mean, how often is life to setting up the perfect circumstance for you to be reborn
Maureen Borzacchiello (40:21):
Again? It's true. And it's a beautiful thing. Definitely food for thought, because most people are taught that those moments are just failure instead of opportunity.
Alicia Marie (40:33):
Right? Yeah. Going through depression is bad, whatever it is like it's bad. Right. I had anxiety like panic attacks every night for two years after my grandson died every night and I just go to sleep.
Maureen Borzacchiello (41:00):
Oh, amazing. I always learn so much from you. You know, my passion is to help women entrepreneurs and in the spirit of real talk, I'm so curious because you work with so many different entrepreneurs, business leaders, et cetera. Well, one of the things that comes up a lot, as people are more willing to talk about emotions and feeders and feelings, especially for women is imposter syndrome. And it's this feeling of not being perhaps good enough or being a fraud. I can remember. I didn't celebrate when we broke our first million for years, somebody had gifted me a bottle of expensive champagne and I just kept moving along. Like, yeah, just like, let's make sure it's not a fluke, you know, am I really this? And so something to prove. Right. And so I'm curious a, have you ever experienced it? And if you have, how do you work yourself out? I kind of feel like Alicia Marie probably hasn't but you never know. And then also you work with a ton of women. So if someone's listening to this and saying, gosh, you know, sometimes I feel like, yeah, I'm really good at what I do, but am I? You know, what could you say around imposter syndrome
Alicia Marie (42:20):
It isn't what you think it is. And I read all the hype about it and hearing about it from different podcasts. So I'm like, okay, wait a minute. They're not calling it what it is. So when you're light shining and you're doing an incredible job, you just nailed the feedback with them employee, or you just gave a great presentation or you just closed your big deal and you have that feeling. It has nothing to do with that. You are right. You did do a good job at that employee, like right. It is. We forget what we're pretending about, Maureen. We forget, I talk about this in leading change in session four, but most people miss it. We forget the thing is like women, especially cause you nailed this. We'll pretend to be perfect.
Maureen Borzacchiello (43:09):
There's a lot of pressure on women to do that too. Oh, I think back to growing up and there was a commercial, I think it was Faberge perfume and it was like this sultry thing and I could bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, let him forget. He's a man. You know, I mean, look at me, it probably was one of his five or six years old that messaging, especially for generation Y and even millennials a little bit. I think that feeds that. It's like, oh yeah, you have to be perfect.
Alicia Marie (43:49):
And if you told me and whatever, your mental model for what perfect is, so you have this experience of being wonderful, but then you go back to the pretending to be perfect and saying, it's one of the things that I try to shake up the most in leading change is that wherever you are, is be placed to be, and all of us are in between where we were, where we want to be, where we are now, who we want to become. We're all in between. And none of us like, can you accept where you are now? What I call the gap. So here's what happens. We're doing something really wonderfully. Right. Right. And we see what's possible for ourselves. Oh, I really, you know, I know a presentation just like that 10 times, like we'd have our year or I can burn a whole team about how to give feedback in this way.
Alicia Marie (44:40):
Like see what's possible. And instead of relating to that possibility, we shut it down and we go back and we go, I'm just going to pretend like I'm perfect. Instead of there's something for me to learn in a way, isn't it more comfortable to not relate to the unknown, right? We want to go back to pretending we're perfect with our head in the sand. And there's no growth for me here. But when you can learn to powerfully relate to the gap between where you are and where you want to be, who you're being, who you want to be calm. Now you're motivated. Now you understand that you're flawed so to speak or that you're, you have things to learn. I didn't know. A lot of relating to that. I can say the wrong thing now, you know, you don't know, and you're not relating to that as is right now, you know, you're going to mistakes and you know, all relating to that.
Maureen Borzacchiello (45:34):
And I think it is just that like, as I'm listening to you in perfectly perfect is like jumping into my head because I think for a lot of people, it's the fear of acknowledging that we're imperfect beings and that optically, we have to look like we've got our together and that we are the perfect parent. We are the perfect leader of our organization. We're the perfect manager, whatever the perfect spouse or boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. And I think that it's when we're willing to say and enough, there it is impossible to be perfect. We are perfect because we're imperfect. I can remember the guilt and the shame that I had when Dominick was in preschool and the comments and the side-eye that I would get, oh, where are you off to now? Because I would fly to oversee projects for my clients or to go to a conference, whatever.
Maureen Borzacchiello (46:35):
And I just remember like the cattiness of that, and then doubting myself and then thinking, hold on a second, I was running a company before I became an entrepreneur and I had no life. And that was part of why I became an entrepreneur so that I could even start a family. And I pick this kid up from daycare as many days, a week as I can. And we have picnic lunches, whether it is literally on the grass or on our living room floor, whether you know, contingent and we made those memories and we had those moments and we had such a close, special relationship because I did what I did. And because I traveled. And I think when I think of imposter syndrome, it's the expectations that we think the world has present this perfection, instead of just saying, you know what? We're human beings. We are imperfect and it's okay.
Alicia Marie (47:39):
And we'll also, yeah, what happens physically when we get to is we can breathe. We can be at home in our own skin. We can start to experience what we're experiencing that too. Just to take it back to yourself that way it's like in that moment, you realize that's not the game, the game. Do I experience what people call imposter syndrome? Sometimes, absolutely. Everyone being on a planet does, but it's only because you you're, you, you forgot what you were pretending about. And when you remember, you can acknowledge the gap. Wow.
Maureen Borzacchiello (48:14):
That was poignant. That was poignant. Huh? I want to ask you what Alicia, Marie, do you feel is one of the bigger keys to your success?
Alicia Marie (48:26):
Hmm. I have a little story at this time, so that when I was a new coach and I've only been doing it professionally for five years, 2005, a guy who wanted to be a coach wanted to listen to me coach. So I got permission from all of my clients. And back then, believe it or not. I used to do at least 10 sessions a day. And I put a recliner in my office and no pad. And he was only hearing my side of things. Right. But he was going to listen to the coach. Well, he slept half the day, so annoying. But at the end of the day, I said, okay, what did you want? And he said, damn you love your clients. And I really love people. I love grouchy people, hung up people, people who don't get it. People who waste my time, people are standing up and I love people's willingness. I love watching people truly transform and grow. When I work with them, there's nothing like none. I've got someone who's really a pill right now. Like as new clients start recently mental. So I think this has gotta be a problem. And this is she's going to be a total pain in the.
Alicia Marie (49:45):
And I said, and then we're just going to love her for the next few years. And she's going to completely transform in front of her eyes and as has been with me for 11 years. And so she knows, she said, okay, got it.
Maureen Borzacchiello (49:58):
Oh yes, yes. This one will transform too.
Alicia Marie (50:02):
So, you know, it's people is because once you've mastered the fundamentals of business and there is some work to do there, just the fundamentals, ABC. Sure. All that's left is people, people are the messiest thing you're ever going to deal with. It's a messy thing. Your brain deals with because you can't predict really. That's why we do what we do so people can develop and understand their own capacity for growth and development and, and what they can create and cause in the world. And then they turn around and do it for other people. You know, my vision is that someday. And I actually said this in 1992, the first time, my vision is that someday dialogue and being connected and engaged is so prevalent in the world that there is no need for coaches and counselors.
Maureen Borzacchiello (50:52):
Imagine that. That would be a beautiful day.
Alicia Marie (50:55):
Yeah. And we actually start listening to each other.
Maureen Borzacchiello (50:59):
Well, the work that you are doing, my friend definitely facilitates that 100%. So I hope that vision comes to fruition at some point in our lifetimes. That would be amazing.
Alicia Marie (51:12):
I doubt it. I was listening to Simon Sinek, and he said, he said, you're, it's okay if your vision is larger than your business. And I'm like nailed it.
Maureen Borzacchiello (51:25):
It's so true. It's so true. Oh my gosh. So let's, I'm going to ask a polling question. What is something that people don't know about you?
Alicia Marie (51:39):
I don't know. I'm pretty much an open book. What do they not know about me? I think a lot of people don't realize that I came from a really, really rough childhood. Like every abuse you can imagine. Although I had a lot of nurturing too, it's kind of like the split dual life. That's how it would a really young age. It was a teen mother put myself through school. Um, and I think that sometimes people see where I'm at now in my life and kind of assume silver spin, but I had not, I didn't have parents really. I didn't have, like, I had none of that. And I, I like to think that we can't really see, we can only look at where someone is now and make assumptions. Right. And we can't see someone's entire life, but I know I would not be where I was, had I not experienced the pain of all of them because that pain kept me on my journey. And I use it every single day. And there's an anything that someone can tell me when I'm working with people. What they tell me that I either have not had direct experience with that, or I can understand it because I've been around someone who's had direct experience with that huge edge in working with people
Maureen Borzacchiello (53:04):
That makes you so compassionate. Hmm. Amazing!
Alicia Marie (53:12):
Cause I don't put up with victim stuff. It's rigorous too, because it's like, okay, that happened to you. And then that awkward pause and then there's, what's possible. Right?
Maureen Borzacchiello (53:24):
That's so true. And I've certainly learned so much from you over the years and just in so many ways. And I think you're right. That what people don't know about you is a, you had a really tough beginning. You had a really tough medal. Yeah. I mean, you lost your husband, your first husband and had these little kids and I need it. It's just amazing. Really. I think a lot of that is why I think of resilient concept that we've talked about before. But I think that you're just a light that just shines in this world. And there's so much that people can learn from you through your willingness to keep sharing. It's just a beautiful, beautiful thing. All right. Last question for you. What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
Alicia Marie (54:19):
Oh my God. I've got so much. Um, Alicia, Marie never forget who you are, that's it? Hmm. I love that. And darkest moments that I can still hear it and it motivates me. This isn't me. This is not defining
Maureen Borzacchiello (54:37):
Well. If that doesn't put a bow on this conversation and link it all back together. Well, I love you and I thank you so much for being with us today.
Alicia Marie (54:48):
It's my pleasure. I enjoyed the hell out of it. All right. Bye-bye.
